I cant breath
by writergirl05
Summary: This is a Malec fanfiction which takes place during the time of the wedding (season 1). Alec is trying to figure his feeling for Magnus out.


I never wrote a fanfiction in english before and I barely ever wrote a fanfiction. But I hope that this isnt that bad and that you will like it at least a little bit. Please review and tell me what you think. I will be gratefull for constructive criticism.

Btw English isnt my first language so dont be mad if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes in this text.

Enjoy

 **I cant breath**

The Moment when his breath hit me right in my neck, I wasnt able to think about anything but him. It was almost scary how much control he already had about my emotions and even about my body. I tried to control my emotions and the look on my face but while he was talking about the „symptoms" of affection, it was harder than ever to keep control.

„I know you feel what I feel Alec" he said and there was a part of me that wanted to scream something stupid like „yeah thank god" but there was also a part of me that wanted to run away as far as I could. But I stayed there and didnt even move one muscel. When I finally rememberd how to breath again I needed to answer him. Otherwise he was going to get crazy. I wanted to deny everything but that wouldnt be the truth.

So I tried to make him back off. I had to rebuild the honor of my family, but i couldnt deny either that there was something very special about Magnus. That he was very special to me. It hurt me to hurt him but it was nessesary. My family was everything to me. My sister, Jace, they deserved this. So I made him back off. Even if it hurt me. Yeah it hurt every inch of my body and my soul when he said that he wasnt going to ask me again. He gave up.

 _I should_ _have_ _be_ _en_ _glad but I_ _was_ _nt_ _._ _I left the_ _appartment still burried deep in my own thoughts._

 _I fel_ _t_ _truly s_ _orry_ _for my words but_ _I had to do_ _this._ _Magnus deserve_ _d someone_ _better than_ _me_ _. Magnus deserve_ _d_ _someone_ _who was able ot introduce him to his friends and his family_ _._ _He deserved someone who wasnt afraid of is own feelings and thoughts. He deserved someone who_ _was able to love_ _him._ _I w_ _as_ _already talking about love._ _I_ _need_ _ed_ _to stop thinking about_ _M_ _agnus._ _But I just managed_ _a few_ _seconds_ _before my thought wandered again to the most beautiful and_ _caring_ _man I ever met._ _The whole day I wasnt able to do anything_ _whit_ _h_ _out thinking about him._ _I wasnt able to think straight._

 _It was almost a torture to see Magnus later at the Institude. The way he managed to look at me like this was incredibel. Even Maryse didnt manage to look that disappointed at me._

 _After_ _my_ _Bachelor Party or better_ _my_ _talk with Jace_ _I_ _felt a littel bit better. Now that_ _I_ _k_ _new that_ _we_ _were okay,_ _now_ _that I was sure that I could count on Jace, it was easier for me to think about the wedding. My wedding._

 _The whole night I wasnt able to sleep. I just couldnt. Everytime I closed my eyes, I saw Magnus gorgeouse but awfully disappointed face looking right into my eyes. I recalled our conversation a tousand times and every time I heard him saying that he would ask again was like hearing him say this for the first time. It shot arrows of sadness and fear through my heart every time I recalled his words._

 _I wished so many times that I hadnt had to do this. I even wished that I hadnt been born as a Shadowhunter, as a Lightwood. But I was just waisting time. I would never be able to change anything._

 _I was going to go to my wedding. To spend my whole life with someone I would never truly love._

 _But I had to do this. So I got up and went to my wedding._

 _When I stood there in front of almost everyone I ever met and Lydia enterd the room, I started to panick. I assume that she looked very pretty but that never mattred to me. When she walked towards me I knew that now there were no way out anymore. I had to go through this._

 _I just hoped that Magnus would understand me one day. That he would be able to understand why I did this._

 _But then suddely, just bevore Lydia was about to reach my skin with the stele, I heard the door shut and I saw the only person I never expexted to see there._

 _There just in the middle of the church stand Magnus Bane._

 _And in the moment he entered the room the word stopped moving. Everyone froze and he was the only one I still noticed. I dont know how long I looked at him but it seemed like forever and it still wasnt long enough. I wanted to run away with him. To spend my whole life looking at him, into his wonderful eyes._

 _But then I rememberd where I was and what I was supposed to do. I realised, that I coulndt do this. I wasnt able to marrie Lydia while he was in my life. I turned to her and in her eyes I saw understandment. She made sure that she was going to be okay and after I knew that she was okay with me going, nobody could hold me back anymore. Not even my mother, when she came to me right across to hallway of the church. For the first time in my life I wasnt afraid of what these people could think about me. Because I was sure that the people I cared about would be okay with what I was going to do. I went through the church towards this beautiful man and kissed him. Right onto his soft lips. It was like the world stopped moving again but now it was more intensive. It was magical, just like him. Some people would definitifly judge me, but now just in this moment it didnt matter. The only this that matterd were Magnus lips against my own._

 _Thank you!_


End file.
